made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
