just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
