He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
