fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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