its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
