I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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