my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
