Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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