And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
