So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
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