he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
