He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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