There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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