You just made me feel so damn special
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
