dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
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