there's paper in my vomit.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Dignity is for republicans.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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