What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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