everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You need Xanax blowdarts
I just want nice things and good sex
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
