You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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