I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
