So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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