now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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