I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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