I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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