There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
