I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
