Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
