Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize