Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
