I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
