i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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