so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
