Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
