a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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