I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have already put on my inside pants.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
