My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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