just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i just google imaged poop.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
