you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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