Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Found the puke drawer
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
