you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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