Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
