$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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