the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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