Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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