Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
