I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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