While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
