i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I supernannyed him into submission
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
