Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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