If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
