Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
She announced her abortion via fbk
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
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