he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
