My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
