addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
