6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
