my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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