I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
