All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
