i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I believe in your delicious
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
