I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
