Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
