I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize