I faked an abortion last night.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
