He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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